[Tyr Zalo Hawk]: 712.Random.ProjectEmo.Project2

After some more research, we have determined several more facts about the 'Emo.' The case, as well as a particularily sexy doctor, is as follows...

BAROOMPH!!!!!

Oh, sorry. Had something in my throat. Ahem. Well, I am Professor Dr. Felanore Von Tyr! To those of you who know me from the previous report, I was given a job at the local university for my efforts to advance the understanding of the 'emo.' Thus the 'professor' title in front of my name.
But this isn't all about me, so let us begin...

After being given a huge grant to head to California and study the 'emo' in greater depths, I have come to several more conclusions which are as follows...

The Conclusions Which are as Follows:
1. The emo virus is most certainly the cause of the emo population.
2. California is definitly sunny, and hot.

Suprising, yes... but here's the professor again!

As you can see, we have pinpointed the problem. For those of you who remember, last we checked there was much debate on exactly what caused the spread of emos. So, what does this mean for us? How can we use this information to defeat the emos? What is the square root of -4i^(17945^4)+62.59^(367.2-3.14159)?!

Whoa there, hold your horses. One at a time...

What This Means For Us
Obviously, all new research and developments will be useful to us in some way. This particular information is useful in that...
1. Now that we have identified the source, we can concentrate our efforts on this one particular field. This...
a. increases reasearch and devlopment speed
b. decreases costs
c. brings us one step closer to happiness.
2. With greater understanding, comes greater powers to use against the enemy.
3. We now know one more reason why Tyr shouldn't stay in California too long. He hates the heat and sun.

How We, The Consumers, Can Use This Information
As stated in number two of the previous entry, with greater knowledge comes great powers. Or something like that. Either way, using these newly found rings and with your powers combined... I become... CAPTAIN PLANET!
No? Too oldschool for you? All well... here's the truth on what this means to you.
1. Understanding that it is a virus, it is now just a simple as creating a vaccine. This should relieve some tension between you and your dog, whom you have been yelling at for potentially helping the emos in their plot for world domination. If you haven't been yelling at you dog, thank you. They did nothing wrong and we're not sure why you would have thought so.
2. When knowing what causes it, you can now helpto protect yourself, and loved ones. Simply...
a. Wear protective breathing masks around emos.
b. Do not touch any contaminated blood.
c. Never share any item with an emo. Especially sharp ones. Or, if you do, make sure to disinfect before using again.
d. It'd probably be best not to touch them either, just to be sure.
3. You know better than to take Tyr to California and force him to be outside, where he might die.

The Square Root of Whatever That Number Was
Good luck.

And now that you get it, here's our own lovely Professor!

Well, now that I have answered all the questions presented to me. We have come to the point in the program where I shall explain what all of this, in the end, has brought us to. Exciting, isn't it?

What All of My Incoherent Babbling and Rambling Really Means in the End to You
Feeling the need to let you know, we have finally figured out the stages of Emo infection! That's right, now you can know exactly how far along a friend or loved one is in their emo progression!
Stage 1: Longer is Lamer This is stage that many Emosexuals start out on. It involves a lengthening and blackening of the hair as well as, often, a curvature of the hair over either the left, or right eye which decreases vision in the subject. It is suspected that due to this lack of vision, the emo in question will also begin to wear black in order to blend in with the world they can no longer see clearly. A typical defense mechanism, but the body is just being fooled.
-Suggested treatments for Stage 1 patients:
-help them pick out their clothes
-cut their hair
Stage 2: The Start of Something New... and Lame Due to the increased lack of vision, and the blurriness with which an emo views the world, they start to believe that others do not understand what life is like to them. This is typically where they will begin to complain much more than any sane person would about nothing in particular. In extreme cases, the emo will alos start to write bad poetry.
-Sugested treatments for Stage 2 patients:
-Cut their hair (it might not be too late!)
-Do NOT give them room to explain themselves, this will only lead to them thinking too much on the subject and could worsen the patients condition rapidly.
-If they ask for paper, don't give it to them.
Stage 3: Enter the Scremo With the thoughts in their mind and bad poetry in their head, their annoyingly long hair now begins to mess with their hearing. Due to the lack of ability to hear how bad their poetry is, as well as being unable to hear things in general, they begin to listen to Scremo music constantly because it is the only thing they can hear. It's unfortunate, but true.
-Suggested treatments for Stage 3 patients:
-Turn off the music, they might cut their hair in hopes of hearing again. Might.
-Get a gun, put them out of everyone's misery.
Stage 4: OH PLEASE GOD, NO!!!! Now devoid of the greater portion of 2 out of the 5 senses that normal people possess, emos will begin to wear makeup. Their skin, already devoid of color from the lack of sunlight and human warmth will turn even deadlier shades of white, while their eyes and lips become black as their annoying hairstyle. All emos are, by now, writing horrible poetry, claiming the world doesn't understand and trying to sing along with their Scremo idols.
Please note: At this point, there's nothing you can do that we know of. Just pray...
Stage 5: Conformity at it's Worst With the addition of makeup, their outfits only gets worse. They not cannot see because of the huge amounts of makeup blocking their vision in one eye, and their hair covering the other. They have often gone deaf to the cries of the world and, due to their choice in wardrobe, it's obvious they have lost their sense of taste as well. Now only having 2 senses, they do what they can to help them experience the last of their senses. They begin to cut their wrists.*
No matter the reasons for it that they claim, it is only delusional ramblings of an infected patient who can no longer hear their own words, much less the words of anything else. It is indeed a sad day when they progress to this stage.

In addition to the symptoms listed, there are several other symptoms that must be mentioned which we could not placed at any particular stage:
-Smoking.
-Wearing Tight Pants.
-Apathy
*Admittedly, this could happen at nearly any stage. However it is most commonly observed in emo's at this particular stage of infection.

(All information in the section above, in relation to the stages of emo virus evolution, was developed with the assistance of Ki Harder, Tyr's half brother and colleague in the fight against emos)

Sadly, we have not yet invented a cure, so for now all we can hope to do is help you to slow the virus by giving you the information you just received. Do not lose faith though! We are working on the development of a vaccine as fast as possible.
If you have any information that may aide us in our search such as:
1. The process in which the virus is spread
a. Blood
b. Air
c. Water
d. Skin contact
e. Etc
2. More details on symptoms or potential treatments.
3. The location of more Hot Pockets.
Please send it to Professor Felanore Von Tyr by... well... however you feel like doing so.

Returning to the Professor, Live in 3... 2... ...

So, how zat you know, it is up to you to do all you can to help us! We can not do this without help, oh sane people of the world. So, for now, zis haz been Professor Dr. Felanore Von Tyr.

Godspeed... Emoslow...

Ok, so maybe not as sexy as I had claimed. But that is NOT my fault. You believed me <.<...