[Tyr Zalo Hawk]: 712.The Tyr Files.RTQ.Everyone Else.THEY

Tommy: Ack! Man, that stuff is hot. I thought it was going to be all lukewarm, not 'now I can't taste anything for two weeks' hot. Jeez... it's like lava.

Tommy: Whoa... that felt good. Touch me again.

Ms. Muhammad: Are you reading that book to literarily analyze it?
Tyr: Oh, yes. That's exactly what I'm doing with a bathroom book at 2:30 in the morning the night I graduate from high school...
Ms. Muhammad: Oh, right. Forgot that not everyone's a freak like me.

Adrienne: Here, I found this on the bathroom floor *hands Charlie a guitar pick*
Charlie: It’s been there for months! Ever think I wanted it there?
Adrienne: No! You don’t have a soul!

Maria: So... the tree caused the earthquake?

Tyr: Damned fingers...
One day I shall have them removed for their treachery...
Lainie: Then how will you eat sammiches?!
Tyr: I'll just get new fingers...

Anna: What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
Tyr: Anna, I’m going to not kill you.

During a conversation about sex between Sean and Jenny...
Jenny: Tyr, do you know how you were made?
Tyr: No. I'm blissfully ignorant of how babies are made.
Jenny: Well, one day, your mommy and daddy...
Tyr: I BELIEVE IN THE STORK STORY!

Mr. Onsager: If we had a medicine cabinet for all the things I need, I know we wouldn't have one. I mean I'd have my toothpaste, toothbrush, deodorant, that kinda thing and it'd otherwise be empty. But my wife, she's got all kinds of things in there, and she looks better with it.
The ENTIRE class: Ooooooohhh!
Mr. Onsager: *after a few moments of everyone calming down* Of course, she looks good without it too.
Tyr: Ya, nice save there.

[Ash]: Mmmm... fire....
Tyr: Yes... FIRE! CONFLAGUATION! IMMOLATION! BURNING! POTATO!
... Er...
Maybe not Potato... maybe...

Mr. Onsager: By the time I get done talking to you about Social Security, Medicaid, and everything else that my generation has messed up for you guys, you'll wanna go and shoot your grandparents.

Allona: I don't know why... but I just wanna call you Star.
Tyr: Uhh... ok...
A few days later...
Allona: Hey Star!
Tyr: Actually, it's Sir Star Love-Me-Baby Pancakes Esquire.

Alex: Well, you know, you have to let it all out sometimes.
Tyr: See, that's what I'm saying, drummers are just angry people.
Alex: THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY ABOUT ME?!

Tyr: So... I bought a Rolex... Or, well, the guy said it was a Rolex... As it turns out it was actually a kidney... You know how hard it is to keep track of time with one of those?
Eevee: A kidney really?
Tyr: Well, I assume it's a kidney. At least three people have come up to me offering large sums of money for it. I'm not sure I'm going to sell it though... because I'm getting rather fond of it. And I think I learned how to calculate time with it. *glances at kidney* OH MY GOSH! Is that the time?!
Eevee: Wow, that’s pretty amazing... your third kidney, I mean
Tyr: Well, ya. Actually, I have 14 now. You see... my kidneys got a little... well... friendly.
Eevee: Wow...thats a lot of kidneys
Tyr: Ya... I'm thinking of selling them into slavery. Know anyone who wants a kidney?
Eevee: Yes, I know quiet a few people on the medical list waiting for their wristwatch kidneys.
Tyr: That's good.
But I'll have to teach the kids to tell time…

Felanore: So man up and show her that you've got a pair in your heart, not just in your pants.

[Ash]: By the way, what's your opinion of flaming squirrels? I find them cute and ever so loadable-into-canons-aimed-at-people.
Tyr: Oh, most certainly the second part. It's lke they're MADE for it. However, they're only cute when they aren't aimed at you...

Jade: *at almost exactly midnight Central time* I'm seventeen now
Tyr: *from 11:01 in Mountain time* Sweeeeet
Jade: Seems like only yesterday I was 16
Tyr: It does, doesn't it?
Wait... =O I'm still in yesterday!

Matt: *staring at a picture* Whoa... it's like a face!
Tyr: No. It's not.
Matt: It's not?
Tyr: No. It's not.
Matt: But... it really is... wait. You're just kidding, aren't you?
Tyr & Felix: *laughing as they both walk away*

Lynsie: I like playing Ultimate Four Square.
Tyr: Ultimate Four Square? What's that is it all like the most intense game of four square of all time? I mean, college students play ultimate Frisbee, but Ultimate Four Square has got to be for like, hardcore eighth graders.
I can see it, all the 5th graders collect cards of their favorite players and are like: "When I'm in 8th grade, I'm totally gonna play Ultimate Four Square and be just like Lynsie! She's my favorite player of all time! I've even got a holographic card of her."

Driving Home from SakuraCon '09...
Tyr: So, if you could kill anyone, in history or present, who'd you kill?
Emka: I wouldn't kill anyone.
Tyr: Really?
Emka: Yup.
Tyr: Surely there's gotta be someone
Emka: Nope.
Tyr: Seriously?
Emka: Yup.
Tyr: Well, ok.
Emka: How about you?
Tyr: I'd kill that chick who wrote the Twilight Books.
Emka: F*CK! You win.

Tyr: Praise the lord! And say to him: "AMEN! IN THE NAME OF JEE-SUS!"
Riley: You know, you are really good at that.
Tyr: I know. I always wanted to be a black preacher when I grew up.

Tyr: *runs into the room* LECHUGA!!!
Dara: Lettuce?
Tyr: Yup, it's hilarious!

Tyr: *with typical, Americanized stereotypical terrorist/computer tech from India voice* Oh great... I got into a car with a crazy driver and forgot my bomb. How am I ever supposed to be a successful suicide bomber if I get killed in a car crash?
James: Whoa dude, for a second there I thought you said 'bong' not 'bomb.'
Tyr: *still in the voice* Oh... I forgot that too, but that is another story.

Tyr, just having returned to school after a surgery with a large white bandage on his neck, enters Choir...
Riley: So, what happened to your neck?
Tyr: Well, you see I woke up early Monday, and as I was laying in bed these men in white coats came and grabbed me, took me to this big white room, shot me full of drugs, knocked me out cold, slit my throat, and, when I woke up, this is how I was.
Riley: That's awesome!

Tyr: I lost my virginity to a pencil.
Colton: Are you serious?
Tyr: Ya, we were playing poker and I had nothing left to bet with. I lost the hand though. Turned out later he was cheating.

Tyr: Austin, you're sleeping on the floor because no one loves you, and if a serial killer comes in he'll get you first, and your screams will wake us up so we can escape.
Austin: If one does come in, I'm gonna die silently so he gets you guys too.
Beware the wrath of the mime.

Tyr: Peppers are ugly AND fat.
Tiara: Well, so are tomatoes.
Tyr: No, Tomatoes are just fat. And evil... so very evil.

Some Kid: I have C.D.O. It's like O.C.D., except I had to put it in order.
Tyr: G.M.O. I love you!