[Tyr Zalo Hawk]: 712.The Tyr Files.RTQ.Friends.Kenny

Kenny:Yeah, but my rebellion will help others besides myself. 
Oh my god...
Am I actually interested in fighting for a cause?
Tyr: Kenny! How could you?!
Kenny: I'm gonna go in for an MRI and a CT scan to see if I have any tumors.
Tyr: You should, definitly. Or whatever that one girl with the retarded kids had...

Tyr: Kenny, WHAT are you doing?
Kenny: I'm sitting here, staring at my phone, waiting for it to vibrate cause I'm gonna jump when it does.
Tyr: Really? I'll try to.
Kenny: I'll bet a fiddle of gold against your soul that says I'm better than you.
Tyr: *after a brief pause* Well I'll take your bet, and you're gonna regret, cause I'm the best there's ever been!

Kenny: Von Valkenschlap him.
That is SO replacing 'bitch slap' in my vocabulary.

On Tootsie Pops...
Kenny: I did that once. Got like 100 something
Tyr: *nods* See? I got way more than that
Kenny: So... you suck at... sucking?
Or worse... I'm GOOD at it?

Kenny: Can you think of a way to quantify pretentiousness?
pretentiosity?
Tyr: In I'd say that'd be in terms of ...
hold on
d = m, m = g, v = l... therefore p = ...
w
Wait... no...
because r = o...
and f = n
and t = s, m, h, d, w, M, Y, C,
and e = mc²
therefore p must = v
and if we subtract must from both sides
p = n
no no, sorry, forgot to carry the 4
p = u
So, pretentiousnessosity must be quantified using 'Uppities' or, in singular form, an Uppity
…
Kenny: And what are the fundamental units of an uppity?
Tyr: I guess it'd be measured in the growth rate of the volume of an ego over time...
so...
u = ΔV_ego/t

Kenny: Joke killer. 
Tyr: Eh, there wasn't that much to kill. It was like taking life from an infant...
Or an elderly person, depending on how you want to look at it.

Kenny: I read his chapter on religions, and he goes through explaining a lot of them. I got all of them except for Hindu. He didn't have anything for MY kind of Indian though.
Tyr: That's because your people were a bunch of soulless, godless heathens before the English came and gave you your religion.

Kenny: Good thing I'm not a belligerent drunk because...
I would make a GREAT belligerent drunk.

Kenny: WHOO!!!
I need some air, or like a ... donkey...

Tyr: Paul... (pronounced 'Paw-ool') Paul... Paul...
Kenny: LE BUUUUSSSSSSS!!!!!

Kenny: Chef's Note For The Day: Everything needs more Ketchup!

Kenny: It's like Herpes. Either you've got it, or you don't.

Kenny: Why is both worse?
Tyr: Because both implies both sides of whatever you say
Kenny: I'm confuzzled.
Tyr: Say you said 'this sucks because of a or b'
Both implies it's a AND b
say it's a or b or c
Both implies that it's either a+b, a+c, b+c, or it's a+b+b+c, a+b+a+c, etc.
It's just bad.
Kenny: Oh... well why didn't you say that?
Tyr: I did.
Both is exponentially worse the more things you put into it.
Kenny: But both only imples two choices.
Tyr: Exactly, but in not specifying which two, it could be any combination of two that is implicitly or explicitly implied.
Kenny: So why not say 'any combination' rather than 'both'?
Tyr: Both is shorter, easier, and more all encompassing

Tyr: And dammit, if you can't trust a blind pervert from Atlantic City then who CAN you trust in this world?
Kenny: Politicians!
Tyr:Of course! How could we have forgotten about our loyal, honest, hardworking politicians up there in D.C.?
Why, they fight day in and day out for important issues that matter to us, the common working people.

Kenny: Taylor's brother might be able to get married but I think that's more my problem than yours.
Tyr: If you're married to her by then I can always show up to break the ice
sculpture...
Kenny: Of course. It's your specialty.
Tyr: I have been practicing for years.
Kenny: Where do you get your sculptures?
Tyr: Glaciers. And Liquid Nitrogen.
Kenny: I knew Al Gore was full of it.
Tyr: Of course he is. Pfft. Who would believe a couple degrees could melt that much ice?
Kenny: It's just increased cuz you're at the point in your life where you'll be going to a lot of weddings. You need to be on your A-game.
Tyr: *nods* Exactly. By the time I'm in my late twenties I'm sure everyone I know will have been married. Then the glaciers can grow their arms back... like Starfish.
They do do that, right?
Kenny: Of course. They're both reptiles.
Tyr: *nods* Exactly what I thought

In a discussion about Rhett Atkin's "That Ain't My Truck"...
Kenny: I just never really paid attention cuz it has the word 'truck' in it.
Too redneck
Now if it were to say, 'That ain't my Lamborghini...'
(Doesn't rhyme as well)
(I KNOW THAT!)
Tyr: You could do it...
All the lines would have to be lengthened... and you'd probably have to change the tune...
Kenny: Or it could be lupus.
Tyr: Right! I totally forgot about
*thwacks you with a Medical Textbook*
NO!
BAD KENNETH!
IT'S NEVER LUPUS!

Tyr: I know some Virginians.
Kenny: Are they dying?
Tyr: ... No?
Kenny: Then I can say what I want about Virginia.

Tyr: But where did I get off...
Kenny: If I had a dime for very time I heard that...

Kenny: I thought we said there was gonna be no political argument?
Tyr: Well, it had to come up somewhere Kenny.
Kenny: That's what she said.
Minutes of uniterrupted laughter...
Kenny: I told you once you son of a gun, I'm the best there's ever been!

Kenny: YAY! I WON HERPES!

Kenny: Are you sure you don't work for MetLife?
Tyr: I'm sure. Mostly.
Kenny: Yeah, there was that one period in your life when you went a little crazy and... started working for insurance companies...
Don't worry, we all go through that.

Tyr: Caaaaan you feeel... the gaaaa-tor-ade...?
Kenny: Ye... no! Damnit!

Tyr, in thinking he's alone, runs down the hallway after school, the day before a Speech and Drama meet...
Tyr: Dunnanunnanunnanunna...
He leaps the last few feet towards the gym...
BATMAN!
Kenny: What in the hell?!

Kenny: Geek camp is to make them better. Better for geeks is NOT-geek.
Tyr: I'm afraid you've got no idea  Better for Geek is Nerd.
And once you go Nerd, there's no going back.
No, no.
Wait.
Redo.
Better for Geek is Nerd.
And once you go Nerd, going back is just absurd.
Hadn't you heard?
Kenny: No I haven't heard, cuz I'm not a word nerd and am easily spurred away by obscured rhyme schemes.
Tyr: Well, I should hope you have not yet demurred, for my rhymes, if you've not heard, are as pleasant as the songbird. Rest assured.
Kenny: .....................................................................................
There once was a man from Nantucket ...................................................
Tyr: Who died, flattened by a herd. He was quite perturbed, but with his dying words, he envoked the name of Turd (although in a more French way), and that his luck was rotten as curd.

Kenny: It's got a button for taking pictures, but other than that, you need a degree from Harvard or... be a damn 4th grader to know how to do anything with it.

Tyr: Stalker
Kenny: Yeah, me and the 4 million OTHER people who bought the CD just can't back off. 
Tyr: You're watching GA just to hear a song by her, watched CSI just to see her... Ya... I'm just generalizing.
Kenny: Well, yeah, THAT'S sacrificing my soul which is why I cleverly defined it as... sacrificing my soul. 
Tyr: Hey man, you say poh-tay-toe, I say you're a stalker.